Confessions of: A Fictional Ruler

This life according to Lu, confessions of a wanna-be-ruler. IMG_6887
“And for once a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world”
my homegirl, T.Swift

That’s ME on the right…don’t I look responsible? Responsible enough to create my own ubiquitous rules? I vote yes. I like the world we live in now, really, I do. But if it were up to me, I would do things differently. Sure most of these things are beyond anyone’s control, but it’s my imaginary kingdom, and in it, fictional laws are up for grabs…think less Fascist & more Harry Potter inspired. And so, if I were Ruler-of-the-World, or a dreamed universe, this is what life would be:

10. Karma would exist. And happily ever afters.
Don’t you think that seems fair? I would reinstate Karmic revenge and deplete the world of unnecessary evil. And totally make people believe in organic love again.
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9. I would create a hangover cure.
No, I don’t mean like a burger with a greasy egg atop it, or an unsuccessful water claiming to have Vitamins, and something much more potent than 2 capsules of advil and a cat nap. But an actual  reliever of all that debilitating hangovers imply. So, cheers, friends, bottoms up!

8. There would be segregated sidewalks for fast walkers.
BECAUSE PET PEEVE 101: your lazy stride is slowly killing me.

7. No one would have to wake up before 6 am. (Unless by choice, in which case, we can’t be friends)
Does this need further explanation? 5 am is just beyond too early to function. Period.
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6. Humans could speak dog.
Because I just need to tell this sweet little face that I’ll be back in 30 minutes, or the Pizza Delivery Guy is our friend and you won’t like the taste of 2 cups of unsalted butter with the wrappers, I promise.

5. Ah, the 5-minute-flight.
Travel made easy. You’re welcome. Because who needs jet lag and a 16-hour cramped middle seat, stuck next to the guy who needed two chairs and brought aboard the sardine infused calzone (conveniently forgetting the TUMS)…

4. WORLD PEACE.  Yes. I want world peace. Yes, you can insert Miss Congeniality jokes here and yes, I’m all about Amy Grant’s Grown Up Christmas List. No, I don’t understand why humans can’t support other humans. We are the same breed after-all. Where is the love, people?!

3. Shoelaces would always be tied. I am absolutely, admittedly, the only almost-26-year-old to struggle with this endeavor. Yes, that task being one of shoe lace tying…the struggle is real, folks. And it’s totally avoidable! Commence the self-tying-shoe-laces!

2. Pimples would be banned from existence.  Because, really, without sounding like an existentialist: WHAT IS the purpose? They are functionless and disturbing and should be ostracized for their lack of use/fruitless place in the world. IMG_5481

1. Calories would not count. At the end of the day, I’d like to be greeted by a dozen cookies, a buffet of entree’s melted with cheese, and a plethora of peanut butter and chocolate spoons without the added guest of cellulite, extra poundage and rolls (unless they are homemade biscuits with butter&jam). Whose ultimate dream doesn’t consist of overindulgent stomach aches without the repercussions?  

I think we can all agree on this: the only thing that could possibly better my fictional creation would be if it began at platform nine and three quarters.

And now a world to imagine. If only this life could be according to fictional ruler Lu.

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